Marriage

Finding The Root Of Your Marital Problems - continued...
This material appears courtesy of Covenant Keepers

How can you overcome selfishness in your relationship?
1. Choose to look honestly at your thoughts and motives. This first step is very important because selfishness begins in the thoughts and motives of your heart. Before selfishness ever becomes an action in your life, it will surface in the way you think about yourself and your spouse. Therefore, you must first detect selfishness in your heart and mind before you will be able to control it in your behavior. This is why Jesus said to the scribes, "Why do you think evil in your hearts?" (Matt. 9:4). Jesus knew their hearts were wrong, and so He encouraged them to examine their own thinking so that they might see the error within. This is also why you must probe you own thought life. Close scrutiny will enable you to see if the motives of your heart are selfish or not.

You examine yourself by simply focusing your attention on what you are thinking. How do you perceive yourself in relation to your partner? Do you think you are better, smarter, or wiser than your spouse? These thoughts reveal selfish and arrogant thinking that will result in actions that will cause conflict and little relationship. Remember, "If anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself" (Gal. 6:3). Don't deceive yourself. Rather, be honest and think seriously about yourself. You are nothing apart from Christ and His transforming grace. Think this way because it is the truth. These thoughts will become the basis and motivation for new behavior.

2. Ask for revelation and conviction. Only when you begin to pray for the conviction of the Spirit in your own life will the changes begin. His conviction is the powerful motivation you need to make this dramatic turnaround. Do you remember His conviction and how it turned your life around to follow Christ in the beginning? The Holy Spirit has come to "convict the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment" (John 16:8). He is the best one to show you what is wrong, what is right, and what the consequences will be if you fail to respond.

However, when I speak of conviction, don't mistake it for condemnation. God's conviction is the sweet and gentle prodding of the Lord that draws you to Him and causes you to willingly surrender to His way of love. Be sure you know the difference between conviction and condemnation. One is life-giving, the other is deadly. Therefore, ask God to reveal every place where self reigns in your life. Then go back and add each of these items to your list. Finally, ask the Holy Spirit to convict you daily that you might have the inward motivation to change. Ask Him to give you no rest until Christ controls these attitudes, motives, and actions.

3. Choose to deny yourself and surrender to the Lord. Once you have determined where you are living selfishly and you are convicted about it, you now have a choice to make. Will you choose to deny your selfish desires or choose to deny the conviction? It's one thing to know you shouldn't do something; it's quite another to respond to the conviction and stop doing it. It's really just a choice you make.

Throughout Scripture, man's choice is identified as what has determined whether he will experience God's power to change or not. Joshua encouraged the children of Israel, "choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve" (Joshua 24:15). God pleaded with His people through the Prophet Isaiah, "choose what pleases Me, and hold fast My covenant" (Is. 56:4). Moses also warned the Jews, "I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life" (Deut. 30:19).

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