Marriage

Finding The Root Of Your Marital Problems - continued...
This material appears courtesy of Covenant Keepers

What does selfishness look like in a marriage?
Selfishness has many faces, all of which are ugly. Sometimes self is seen in a very bold and aggressive way when a person will verbally insist on having his or her own way. It's his way or it's no way. It's the straightforward demand of me first. Sometimes this bold demand is accompanied with a violent outburst of anger to insure its way is obtained through intimidation.

Other times selfishness is very subtle. It can have the quiet face of cunning manipulation with gentle words. But in reality, it is still just a persistent pressure to work it's own will upon you. It also may be seen as that stubborn resistance to bend or compromise over even the smallest issues. When its will is not acknowledged or yielded to, there is a quiet sulking or an attitude of indifference until the other partner finally surrenders.

Whether selfishness is seen in its bold or subtle forms, it is the root of the problems between you. Beloved, be not deceived. When you allow self-righteousness, self-will, self-justification, or self-indulgence to reign in your heart, it can only bring every evil thing to your relationship. Only by laying the ax to the root of this tree will you ever see the fruit you desire in your life and marriage.

Where are you living selfishly?
Before you can ever begin to deal with any of the problems in your marriage, you must first identify exactly where you are living selfishly. Jesus said, "First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye" (Matt. 7:5). Because of this command, I often start here in marriage counseling because I know this is the root of the problem. I usually ask a couple to begin by making a list for me of every place in which each one is living selfishly. The plank needs to be removed from each eye before either can clearly see the real need in their marriage. I can not stress to you enough how important it is for you to first look in the mirror before you ever take a magnifying glass to your mate.

Let me speak very frankly with you. Unless you are willing to do this exercise, you can forget about solving the problems in your marriage. If you really want to get to the root of your marital problems, here is what you need to do: Find a piece of paper and get off by yourself. Ask God to show you the plank in your own eye. Begin by making a list of every area where you are living selfishly in your marriage relationship. Be specific. Is your thinking centered on yourself or on your mate's well-being? Do your conversations begin and end with your views and opinions? Where are you failing to lay your life down and give to your spouse? But, a word of warning. Be careful that you don't begin listing your mate's faults, only your own. As you look at your list, you will see clearly what is causing the conflicts in your marriage.

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