Parenting

Teen Years and Repairing the Honor
This material appears courtesy of Christian Broadcasting Network

Teen years are often the tough years for parents and children. The communication between parent and child leaves the question of honor at hand. Father and son pair Gary Smalley, Ph.D., and Greg Smalley, Ph.D., authors of Bound By Honor, discuss their book and give advice on how to communicate with your teen.

Gary Smalley, father, reflects back over their family life." We recognized that we monitored two things every day. We didn't even really realize how much we were doing these two things until later. We monitored how much honor we had in our home and how much anger there was. When we define what honor is, the anger is repairing the honor. The essence is honor."

Gary defines this recognition as their way of communicating with one another.

"We had to repair," adds Gary. "When we noticed that the kids were offended, frustrated, fearful of us, hurt, or something, then we repaired that."

Greg reveals his experience as a teen. "Usually when teens and parents get into conflict, it usually can erupt in maybe some name-calling," explains Greg. "When a child's spirit closes, you can see the child has become wounded. Maybe the parents have said something that have hurt their feelings."

Gary replies that parents can be aggressive and hurtful in their words or actions if the child is strong-willed. This causes the child's spirit to close, which is really that anger.

In the book, Greg explains the humor and sarcasm used by teens.

"We've certainly have done that before," says Greg. "When a teen has their spirit closed, they become depressed, maybe withdraw, anxious or they start acting out. Anger is either inward, depression, or it's acted out in rebellion."

One of the worst reasons mentioned in the book for ruining family relationships is sarcastic name-calling. In turn, defining honor becomes valuable to the relationship. According to Gary Smalley, honor means valuing somebody of high value and someone you treasure.

Gary talks about sarcasm as being a factor in escalating tension in family relationships. "Another one is when you get into an argument with your teen by saying, `I'm not going talk about that, that's off limits, we won't talk about that, we won't discuss that.' What you are really saying to the teen is: 'I'm the superior one and I'm not going to get into this because it will escalate, so I will withdraw from this.' It causes tremendous anger inside a teenager."

Gary adds that you can repair the damage by communicating and talking it out.

Greg comments, "One thing that we talk about in great deal in the book is the importance of having a mentor come into the teen's life. I think Dad is so important that I develop my own faith and convictions that needed to be separate from his."

Gary and Greg provide advice in their book in working to bring peace and happiness and some sanity into your home. This book Bound by Honor, subtitled "Fostering a Great Relationship With Your Teen," offers advice for communication between a parent and a child.

The book can now be found on www.cbn.org titled Bound by Honor.

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