Marriage

Fighting Fair
This material appears courtesy of Covenant Keepers

In addition, dishonesty includes the telling of half-truths or only the part of the story that suits you. I hear couples every week in counseling say, "That is not what you said last night when we talked." It's unfair and dishonest when you knowingly change your statements from one day to the next. This is a sinful behavior that will derail your entire relationship. If you ever desire to resolve your differences, you must be truthful. Remember, we are to "speak the truth in love" (Eph. 4:15).

Likewise, you are being dishonest when you quickly change the subject or shift the blame when your personal faults are being revealed. You must recognize that this is a form of dishonesty within your heart and God won't bless your attempt to reconcile this conflict. Why? Because you are not being fair with your spouse. God knows it, you know it, and your partner knows it. Last, it is dishonest when you try to give subtle indirect messages to your mate. When you endeavor to encourage more intimacy with your husband and you say, "Have you noticed how much time George spends with his wife?" or, when you seek to change your wife's housekeeping habits by saying, "Wasn't Mary's house exceptionally clean?" it is very unfair to your spouse because you are seeking to communicate a message without being direct. You can't expect your partner to read your mind and intentions.

You are unfair when you hold on to things from the past. Today we often hear people speak about the problem of carrying around emotional baggage. I believe the problem in most marriages is much more serious than that. I have found that emotional baggage is many times rooted in sinful baggage. What do I mean?

Let me illustrate how the typical couple acquires the sinful baggage that will greatly affect a marriage relationship emotionally. Suppose a wife gets up in the morning and makes a nice breakfast for her husband. He comes to the table and complains about the food and speaks very harshly to her. She becomes angry and resentful but says nothing. She simply puts this offense into what I call her "stuff sack" inside her heart. Her husband then goes to work and his wife goes into the bedroom and finds his dirty clothes in a pile on the floor. She angrily adds this offense into her stuff sack. She then enters the bathroom and looks at the sink only to find the remnants of her husband's morning shave all over the countertop. She again gets angry and stores up her resentment within her heart all day long.

• How do we define what is fair?
  
• You are unfair when you are dishonest
  
• You are unfair when you personally attack your spouse
  
• You are unfair when you fail to do what you require of your mate
  
• You are unfair when you fail to respond equally

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