Marriage

Fighting Fair
This material appears courtesy of Covenant Keepers

How do we define what is fair?
The Bible defines the word fair as being honest and rendering a just and equal response toward one another. In the book of Ezekiel, the prophet records a charge made against God by His people. "The house of Israel says, 'The way of the Lord is not fair.'" However, God responded to them, "O house of Israel, is it not My ways which are fair, and your ways which are not fair?" (Ezekiel 18:29). Therefore, the best definition of what is fair will always be the way God has dealt with man. His just and evenhanded approach in the way He has loved and corrected His people must be our ultimate bench mark of what it means to be fair with others. God has demonstrated the ultimate fairness by giving His own Son to die for the sins of the world that all men would have a way of escape from the judgment to come. However, mankind has been very unfair toward God in that man has not responded in a manner equal to the gift of His grace.

How do we fight unfairly?
You are unfair when you are dishonest. When you fail to be honest with your spouse, you automatically hinder a fair exchange of ideas that would ultimately enable solutions to be found to your conflicts. Dishonesty comes in many different forms within your relationship. Let me give you some examples.

Have you ever been asked by your spouse, "What's wrong, honey? You seem upset." Your response is, "Nothing." This reply is clearly dishonest because there is obviously something wrong as revealed by your angry or depressed countenance. The question is asked because your mate can detect your discouragement and is attempting to help or resolve the issue. Often when couples come for counseling these nothing issues come out. Then the partner who made the original inquiry will say, "I never knew this. That is not fair. I can't read your mind. Why didn't you just tell me?" I usually turn to the other spouse at that time and explain that I agree that the action was unfair.

Dishonesty is also seen in exaggeration. When you declare to your spouse, "You always act that way," or, "You never do what I ask," you cause your partner to think back to the one time when he or she didn't do what you allege is an everyday experience. It is therefore very unfair to overstate your case in this manner. This behavior will only cause further conflict.

• You are unfair when you hold on to things from the past
  
• You are unfair when you personally attack your spouse
  
• You are unfair when you fail to do what you require of your mate
  
• You are unfair when you fail to respond equally

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